Bling-bong, goes my phone.
A text from Jessie, a doctor friend, pops up. I click it open.
Hey, friend, can I ask you for your expertise on something?
Jessie is a friend who shares a diagnosis or two with me (Major Depressive Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). This text could mean many things. I start to text back, then decide to call her, instead.
"Heeeeey, friend! How are you?" I ask.
"Yeah, I'm doing okay, but my doc wants to change my antidepressant. What do you think?"
I have many thoughts. I ask for more details. Interestingly, she and I happen to be taking the same drug, Wellbutrin. We discuss the possible efficacy / adverse effects, what to expect, we consider asking her physician to maximize the dose before swapping it out for Prozac.
The conversation meanders around to her sexual abuse history, spouse challenges, family relationships, psychotherapy, career choices, medical problems, and long-distance friendships.
"Can you hand me the dandelion picker?" Jude asks.
I am squatting in front of the hedges with leather gloves on, fingertips moistened with brown earth. I look to my left and reach for the new tool, a long-handled metal spire with a sort of back-of-the-hammer nail remover at the end. It's great for digging up deep-rooted weeds.
"Here you go babe," I smile and pivot toward her with the instrument.
"I can't believe you are out here WEEDING with me, honey!" she comments.
"Shhhh," I say, "It's not weeding, it's Green Time."
I explain that the new title has allowed me to more fully enjoy time outside with her.
"You know the annoying thing about depression?" I ask Jessie, pacing cheerfully in front of my house.
"No, what?" she asks.
"Therapy is amazing. Evaluating the causes is important. It's great to be aware of why we feel how we feel, and what patterns we are repeating. But sometimes, you just can't figure it out. And trying to figure it out makes it worse. Doing and feeling seems to work better than thinking, for me...when I'm sinking," I confide.
I lay on the couch thinking about what to do. Jude is out in the yard.
My leg hurts.
I want to go to sleep.
I remember the conversation with my buddy.
I roll off the couch and grab my gloves.
I hate weeding. Hm. What if I rebranded it...
Happy Weekend. <3